my friend, a.k.a "madam"
I hate you for being a nice guy.
I hate you for not putting up a fight whenever I try to pick one. I hate you for making it up to me whenever I am sulking, for giving me some space when you know I am not in the mood. I hate you for always being the only one who apologizes whenever we have a fight. I hate you for trying to make things right between us, for pretending that we will be fine when we can both see that things are just not working for the two of us. I hate you for trying to save us when all I do is to find a way to break us up.
I don’t know how to break the news to you, but I am no longer in love with you. I have felt the loving feeling I had for you slowly fade into thin air. I can still remember the days when I was deeply in love with you, when I thought you were the one for me. I can recall the times I dreamed about spending the rest of my life with you. I can remember how happy I was back then.
But I can’t remember the feeling anymore no matter how hard I force myself to. You know I have tried. But I can’t fool myself any longer. And so I have decided to stop making myself believe that this is just a phase all long-term relationships go through because I can see as clear as day that it is not. This is more than just falling out of the honeymoon phase.
Staying this long with you made me realize that we aren’t made for each other.
Sadly, we have built our relationship on a false belief that we are compatible with each other and that we think alike. But now that I have learned about who I really am while being with you I can see that we don’t fit in each other’s worlds anymore. We think so differently, and so our worlds will never really collide. My heart is someplace else and your dreams are in an entirely different world, and forcing ourselves to stay in this relationship will only do more harm than good.
This is why I hate you. I hate you for fighting for us. I do not want to be the bad guy, but you make me one by not giving up on us when I badly need to you. I hate you for refusing to see and accept that it is just not working, for believing that we can make this work. I hate you for tormenting me with your kindness and love when all I want is for us to be mad at each other, yell at each other, and blame each other for the fall out.
I hate you for being a nice guy who won’t break a girl’s heart and leave her behind. You make it hard for me to set myself free, start over, and find happiness again on my own. If this is your way to punish me for falling out of love with you, please just stop. Stop acting as if you are a nice guy.
(Previously published by Thought Catalog at http://www.thoughtcatalog.com)