My first day of trying to stay happy ended up in hysteria. It felt like all the angry emotions that I had bottled up the entire day all bursted out at once because of a frustrating trigger, no less. Just moments before I went to bed, everything just uncontrollably went out from my head to my fingers, and I vented out my frustrations, anger, and bitterness (but still it did not feel like it was enough). The sad thing is, I did not realize it until I was able to pour my heart out and my anger subsided.
Because of that, it feels like Day 1 of my self-project has been a failure, but I refuse to believe that it is so. I will have to remind myself not to beat myself up because of it for it is just Day 1, and I cannot expect myself to perfect it right away. I know that going through the entire process of fixing one’s self is hard and there will always be moments where I will falter and fail.
Moreover, although it is difficult and will seem wrong at times, I will have to let myself experience these negative emotions because doing so is the only way I can learn to control them. Prohibiting myself from experiencing these emotions is only as good as not letting myself heal at all. It is just like sweeping the floor of a room, but keeping all the collected dirt under the carpet; the room really isn’t cleaned because the dirt is still there and it is only accumulating.
I do not want to rush myself into the entire process, and I would like to take as much time as I truly need to feel better without feeling guilty about it. The only thing that was note-worthy for me here was that, it was the same reason I mentioned in my previous post that caused me to lose it just before my bed time.
It is just sad because I really want to be proven wrong of my hypothesis that this person I speak of is toxic in my life. Nonetheless, I know that what is mean to happen will happen. Anyways I hope you are always doing fine. Stay happy and beautiful.