I am sorry. I know you will be disappointed and that I have let you down. I know this was not the kind of behavior you would want to see in me. But let me just say my piece.
It was a very rough day, and that rude security guard who stopped us from getting on the train in the female section just because we were with our brother when it was not even rush hour yet and the coach was not at all crowded did not help in making me hold all my frustrations and anger in and not make a scene (you know how I am struggling with my anger problems). It all happened so quickly that I did not even feel the anticipation of what was about to happen build up.
I won’t even try to argue for our side. We were probably wrong and have to follow rules wherever we are. I also know yelling at people like a crazy woman was utterly uncalled-for for someone who was well-educated, decently employed (and even well-dressed to be in that occasion). Heck, everyone, schooled or not, should never be in that situation ever. It was just probably because of what happened to us today.
I was aiming for an attendance incentive for the month of November, so I had to avoid any attendance infractions for the entire month. I never had any since June, and I thought I could use some extra cash because we are approaching the Christmas season – and you know how Christmas is!
Unfortunately, something came up which caused me to get to work two hours late today and lose my attendance incentive. We had to claim something from a military camp in the afternoon (I work from 2 pm till 11 pm). But when we got there, we were told that they could not process our request because their system broke down since morning. To hell with that! Their system broken down since this morning and none of them cared to inform us ahead of time! We wouldn’t have wasted time going there, and I wouldn’t have lost my attendance incentive. I also wouldn’t have to chat with my superior (who I really dislike talking to) about it.
There is nothing else we could do, so we just left the camp feeling defeated and frustrated with how the day turned out. Then, next thing we know we were up in the supway station (I really would not call that a “subway” because it was not underground; it was high above the ground or most part of it) causing a terrible commotion.
I know I could not turn back time and even apologize to the people I yelled at (I was so angry I was not able to get their names). I also know that I would forever cringe to myself whenever I remember this memory I have created myself. But instead of hating myself for it, I choose to just learn some things from it.
First, I did learn something about myself: I learned that I could really get on a beast mode when I am super-duper angry. I have always thought that I was the quiet type who could never cause a scene in public. It was just the perfect moment to discover this monstrous side of myself.
But I have always believed that the first step to addressing a problem is knowing that there is a problem. Now, I know that I have this and that I have to do something about it. The only challenge I see here is that I do not know what triggers this kind of behavior as it was the first time (or second?) it happened. I guess I am yet to find out.
Secondly, I learned that it never feels nice to behave rudely towards anyone no matter how they wronged you. At the end of the day, the one who takes the high road is the real winner.
Anyhow, I just want you and everyone to know that I sincerely do not want to see myself behaving that way ever again, be it in private or in public. I am sorry and I still love you, Universe. Peace out and I hope you love me back. ✌