Exactly how I have been feeling lately, and I can say this is much much worse than being arid, really.
I feel neither happiness nor sadness. Neither scared nor hopeful. Not even anger, of which I am very very well acquainted with. I feel so uninterested with everything that is around me, and it feels as if I have lost contact with the meaning of life.
To combat this feeling of emptiness I have tried several things:
I have tried reigniting my interest in music (which has been long gone since I started college) by trying to sing again. However, I cannot find a comfortable place to do so out loud and my vocal chords feel like they have not been stretched for quite a long time. I cannot even hit the notes right, and it annoys and frustrates me a lot.
I have tried playing the guitar again, but my fingers feel so stiff and my guitar skills seem to be too far behind that I cannot even finish an entire song. I have also been updating myself with the latest hits, but I am sorry to say, I do not feel drawn to the tunes of the current generation.
Furthermore, I have tried kindling my interest in movies, but I cannot even go 15 minutes into the film without my mind flying away to other realms.
I have also exerted strenuous effort to carry on with ticking things off my To-read list by actually reading the books I have been wanting to read. Hell, I even created a new category on this blog intended for my reviews of those books! But my brain seems unable to process the words I read, like I have completely forgotten the ability to comprehend English.
On top of that, I have been wracking my brain for anything to write about, be it a happy or a sad thing, real or imagined. But, I still have NOTHING. I produced a draft last night (which I worked on for about three hours or so), but ended up lost with the main point of what I was writing about somewhere in the middle. Even writing this post proved to be an arduous challenge.
I do not know what I am supposed to do with this emptiness. Is this how it feels to move on and be free at last? Am I supposed to feel this way?
Should I keep on flooding myself with things to keep myself busy? I have tried but apparently failed.
Or should I let myself embrace this quietness for a moment? But if I do, I am afraid I will get used to the silence the same way I got used to the burning flames of my anger in the recent past.