Letters to The Universe

Soliloquy

bench

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I have the urge to refuel my anger
By making myself recall the horrors of the past?
Do I give in to this urge?

What do I get from it?
What do I get from constantly seeing the face that haunts my waking life?
In digging for more lies that I already know so well of without denial?
How does this help me recover at all?

Perhaps, as a constant reminder as to why I wanted to break free
To keep my eyes open and remain unfooled by the fake affection
To remind myself of the painful facts that now permanently demarcate our worlds
So as to never let myself come back – and that, coming back will be futile if I ever change my mind?

This ironic cycle is scary and wearing me out.
It is scary that I make me hurt myself over and over again.
It is ironic that I do it just so I can move past this stage towards the future
When feeling this way is the exact reason why I wanted that stupid game to end.

I just want all these to stop!
I want to free myself from suffering and being enslaved by anger
I want to be free from the self-induced comparisons that make no sense, but still makes my life seem less than it actually is.
I crave for a life devoid of care about what I will be sorry to leave behind.

I know the why’s.
But what do I do?
Where do I start?
How do I get on climbing up to rise on top of it all?

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Soliloquy”

  1. You have started the process of healing , sometimes we have to work through the pain. After I ended my 27 year marriage and felt so bad I would ask myself the question ” would I go back in time if I could” the answer no matter how bad I was feeling was always NO.

    Try not to relive the past, place it in a box, smile at your beautiful son and say to yourself I know I am on the right path and open to happiness 🌹🐥❤️

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s