Have you ever felt so excited over something (like a plan or an event) that it makes you worry it will turn out to be a frustration in the end?
Like the superstitious part of you telling you that the excitement you are feeling is a sure sign what you are hoping for is not going happen. And so, you try to reverse it by concealing your excitement from your own self, and acting like you are not excited at all in the hope of tricking the universe into giving you what you want?
It sounds somewhat silly, I know, but this feeling, unfortunately, exists. I have a little something planned out for the coming days, and I’ve been amped about it for almost half a week now. I am too excited that every single day of this week, I’ve been wishing it is weekend already so I can start carrying the plan out. At the same time, however, I also catch myself telling myself, “This will surely turn out to be a frustration because I am too excited about it.“
And as much as I want to remain positive and hopeful about my plans, I can’t help becoming low-spirited for the seemingly impending failure.
I don’t understand it. It feels as if excitement and anxiety are working against each other inside me. I am feeling them both at the same time, making me feel alive but uneasy, hopeful yet pessimistic. How is it even possible to feel two emotions at the same time?
Could it be a result of my past experiences wherein I eagerly looked forward to something, but only ended up very much disappointed? I honestly had spent the last three years of my life in such fashion. If so, then am I reaping the fruits of those experiences now in this form of ambivalence?
It could also just be my instinct trying to save me from disappointing myself if my plans turn out unsucessful.
Whatever it is, there should be a word of its own for it.
If there is, then I’d be relieved.
I just do not think ambivalence perfectly captures the feeling. There’s got to be a name for it.