On Life

In Low Spirits 

If there is one thing I dislike about myself that would be not knowing how to cheer myself up whenever I feel even just a wee bit under the weather. I find it hard to stay on the bright side and force myself to be happy, or at least pretend to be. Even as I try to convince myself that everything will be sorted out eventually, I still feel like shutting the whole world out, curl up in one corner of my room, and sulk over the unpleasing circumstance.

And today was no exception. I’ve been in low spirits since this morning after a visit to a doctor due to some skin irritation I’ve been suffering from for a month now. It turns out to be atopic dermatitis, a term which I only heard of the first time in my life. I was told it was due to exposure to harsh chemicals such as alcohol, astringents, and imported beauty products – things that I only rarely use. It can also be triggered by changes in the weather and stress.

It has been causing me great inconvenience because apart from the rather expensive medication I was prescribed (while being very much short in cash at the moment, and which I haven’t bought yet due to the same reason), I was also told to avoid chocolates and cheese among others things – food that I actually really like in this world. What an annoying coincidence!

It has also inconvenienced me at work as I can’t concentrate on the tasks at hand. I’m scratching like a maniac all the time. I feel so irritable due to extreme itchiness and the stinging sensation I feel all over my legs and arms.

On top of that, it’s only a matter of week before a dear friend’s wedding, and I am to be one of the bridesmaids. I can’t imagine myself so beautifully dressed in a pink, flowy, knee-length, sleeveless dress while my dry, scaly arms and legs, and the reddish patches on the insides of my legs and knees are exposed to the world! (Imagine the horror of the other guests when they see me in such state! Imagine my horror being in such an embarrassing state!)

And so to cope with all these, I have decided against finishing all my tasks at work three hours before the end of the shift, a habit I have had for quite sometime because it makes me feel more productive for things that are both related and unrelated to work. I told myself not to push myself too much if I don’t feel like doing it and to work at my own pace in spite of the large amount of tasks I had to accomplish.

I also refused to talk with my colleagues as much as I do on normal days. I launched into whispering snide remarks to myself about co-workers who I just simply dislike and who happens to pass by my area. I replied coldly to anyone who would send me messages on my phone, who was mostly just one person.

And before the shift ended, I grieved over having to wake up earlier than I should (again) to go back to the doctor and purchase the set of suspiciously pricey medications I’m required to take.

Still, I hope everything gets better tomorrow. I’m hoping, but at the same time knowing that it wouldn’t. The unpleasant feeling and the scratching wouldn’t just go away in one day. And the price I literally have to pay will be agonized over in the days to come (probably even until the next pay days to come).

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